Combatting Anxiety by Writing Poetry

Problem:  It’s the holiday season.  I live in a town with steep hills.  It just snowed.  This wouldn’t bother most people, but my Parkinson’s anxiety works non-stop, so I’m quivering in my boots.  What to do?

Solution:  I channel my unease by writing the following sonnet.

Here we go, and look out!

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Winter Holiday Season Comes to Ossining

The days grow dim.  The nights are cold.  It’s time
To bundle up and dread the snow that falls
And causes me to curse the car that stalls
Ahead up some steep hill, commits the crime
Of slipping backwards down the icy slope
And, horrors, never once regaining traction
Smashes my car, starts a chain reaction –
Cars smash cars, collapsing telescope.
In my back seat, gaily wrapped, are gifts
For friends and family.  They’re still OK.
My car still drives.  I’ll probably downplay
The dents, the vicious snow, the shifting drifts.
I live on never-ending tribulations
Eased by friend-and-family celebrations.

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Three points about this poem:

1. I have not been in an accident, but we live on a steep hill and I’ve seen this kind of situation often: There’s a line of cars driving up the hill, but the one in front doesn’t have snow tires or four-wheel drive, and, wheels spinning wildly, it slides and slithers backwards into the car(s) behind it.

2. Even though I haven’t been in an accident, in my anxiety I envision it happening to me. It’s one of a hundred worries that run through my mind at any given moment.  (One hundred worries?  OK, maybe that’s an exaggeration, but that’s part of the problem!)

3. The poem is structured so that the final lines end on an upbeat note, which is typical of how most of my worries end up. That is, in spite of initial feelings of fear and stress, I often have positive experiences which prove me wrong.  Additionally, writing the poem is a fun challenge for me, and when I finish the poem I feel good.

Here’s another example of how I deal with Parkinson anxiety by writing poetry.  On days when I’m not at work, I often feel overly tired, another surprise item in Parkinson’s grab bag of goodies.  The fatigue is stressful and it feeds my general fretfulness.  I’d often like to cancel any social outings.  But I find that if I force myself to go out with friends, I actually have a great time and I return home energized.

So let me write about it:

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Sun’s Up!  Get the Heck Out of Bed!

I wake up in the morning, and I’m tired.
I want to eat and go right back to bed.
My energy’s depleted, and my head
Is silty, sodden, saddened and quagmired.
I have no wish to venture out the door.
I don’t know how I’ll make it through the day.
I’d like to toss the rest of life away,
And not see anybody, anymore.
But somehow, something gets me on a train
Which whisks me down the Hudson to New York.
And with some friends I pick up knife and fork
And eat, and yak, and laugh, and quaff champagne.*
So sleeping more’s a dilatory tactic,
A dumb way to delay all that’s fantastic.

*Actually, prosecco, which is basically Italian champagne.

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What does the Internet have to say about anxiety and Parkinson’s?  The Parkinson’s Disease Foundation has an excellent web page about this.  I could paste the entire thing here, but instead will just give a few excerpts.

First, their overview:

“Anxiety is a common nonmotor symptom of PD. It is important to note that anxiety is not simply a reaction to the diagnosis of Parkinson’s, but is instead a part of the disease itself, caused by changes in the chemistry of the brain. Estimates show that between 25 and 45 percent of people with PD experience an anxiety disorder at some point.”

Second, here’s their discussion of how anxiety manifests itself in Parkies (I’ll just list the first symptom from a longer list):

“Anxiety shows itself in many different ways for people with PD. The following are common ways people with PD experience anxiety:

• Continuous anxiety:  a constant general feeling of being anxious and overwhelmed; excessive worry, anticipation, concern with details, emotional reactivity or fearfulness. This may include symptoms such as restlessness, trouble sleeping or trouble concentrating, which overlap with symptoms of Parkinson’s disease.”

And third, their entire list of tips to combat anxiety:

“Tips for Living with Anxiety

• Educate yourself about PD and its symptoms, including anxiety.
• Keep a diary of your moods, your medications and your PD symptoms.
• Figure out what sets off anxiety for you.
• Talk with your doctor about anxiety, so you can get medical help.
• Tell your care partner and family members how you are feeling, so they can understand your emotions better and help you find ways to cope.
• Find a support group for people with PD.
• Be flexible in your approaches to coping with anxiety; try different approaches.
• Understand that symptoms change; if a coping strategy stops working, try a new approach.
• Like other PD symptoms, each individual experience anxiety differently.
• Find treatments and techniques that work for you.”

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I guess “writing sonnets” would fall under the last point (Find treatments and techniques that work for you).

Here’s a final sonnet that maybe everyone can relate to:  preparing my annual federal and state income taxes.  This has always been stressful for me, even before I was diagnosed with PD.  In my case, the night before I see my accountant I stay up late, frustrated and anxious, as I sort through stacks of financial papers, group my receipts for various deductions, chase down mortgage statements, etc.  It’s one big bother and it takes me hours to complete.  I get very little sleep and ride the train into Manhattan in a bitter mood.  But my accountant is so relaxed and friendly, that I leave his office and feel great as I stop off somewhere for lunch.

Et voilà.  Another sonnet:

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Annual Appointment with My Accountant

Another night, another year.  At dawn
The clock exploded in my ear.  I woke
And staggered to the train.  The mist stretched on
The Hudson like a dragon oozing smoke.
The train crept down the river’s edge.  The seat
Was smudged, the windows smudged, with flecks of spit
And specks of lung exhaled in petite
Amounts by folks who board this train and sit
For hours every goddamn working day.
And I?  I rode the train to see the guy
Who does my taxes.  Now, at some café,
I order wine and ogle passersby.
Yes – every “down” is followed by an “up.”
A glass of wine.  A brimming coffee cup.

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Final point:  Writing this blog post about anxiety has lessened my anxiety for the day.  In fact, I feel super.

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Note:  What’s a sonnet?  There are many styles of sonnet; for me I go with these characteristics:

• Each line usually has ten syllables, alternating a weak syllable with a strong one. For example:  I wake up in the morning and I’m tired.

• There are fourteen lines.

• Typically, the first eight lines set up a situation.

• The final six lines offer a rebuttal or a different perspective.

• The final two lines can also serve as a summation or conclusion.

• There are various ways you can arrange the rhymes.

I’m the first to admit that my own sonnets are the opposite of stellar.  (According to the Merriam-Webster Thesaurus, the antonyms for “stellar” are atrocious, awful, execrable, lousy, pathetic, poor, rotten, terrible, vile, and wretched.  Yes, yes, YES!)

I write sonnets as an emotional release, and as an intellectual challenge, the way other people, say, do crossword puzzles or Sudoku.  They’re part of my personal therapy for Parkinson’s.  If you click here you can read all my sonnets (all mediocre, and some downright filthy), as well as some truly great ones by real poets (Shakespeare, E. E. Cummings, Henrietta Cordelia Ray, Helen Hunt Jackson, and Petrarch).